Sometimes I think I'm really sick

Florida Senior Says He Was Attacked By Woman Claiming to Be a Vampire

Ok, look, some naked woman in St Petersberg, Florida, attacked a 69 year old man in a wheelchair who was sleeping on the veranda of an abandoned Hooters. So with lots of screaming and yelling she bit the guy and tore off part of his lip. Then the guys escaped, racing away in his wheelchair (?)

So far so good. But a couple of questions hit me as I was reading this story.

1) Why can't I ever be attacked by naked women?
2) Why was this old guy sleeping on the porch of an abandoned restaurant?
3) Why can't I ever be attacked by naked women?
4) What was this insane woman doing running around the neighborhood half naked?
5) Why can't I ever be attacked by naked women?
6) What the hell was that crazy woman smoking?
7) Finally, Why can't I ever be attacked by naked women?